Maybe I will be a writer when I grow up, even though I did get Needs Improvement in penmanship. I used to want to be a princess, but now that seems silly. You can't be a princess if your mom and dad aren't the king and queen, unless you have a fairy godmother or a genii. Grandma can't be my fairy godmother because she lives in that place and does not talk to me as a wise monkey or a willow tree, or at all. The closest thing I have to a genii is my big brother Pete, and now he's gone.
This story is about Pete. It's a mystery. I've seen lots of movies and TV shows that are mysteries. No one ever read me Harry Potter, but my sister Tina read me Sherlock Holmes, so I know about detectives and clues. I even read some Sherlock Holmes stories myself, which is very advanced for my age. My favorite Holmes story is "The Speckled Band," because it's about a snake, which reminds me of the bold python that Pete used to have. His name was Rex. He would wrap around my arm or my neck like beautiful jewelry. He was gold and black and white, and quite friendly, not like the speckled band snake. Pete said Sherlock Holmes was a dork and Humphrey Bogart was better. I don't know for sure, since I never read any Humphrey Bogart mysteries, but I do know that Tina is the brainy one in our family. If she says Sherlock Holmes is smart, then he is.
I also have my Olsen twins movies. That's about all I know about mysteries, but Pete's story is different because this mystery is real and I don't know how it turns out, even though I'm in it.
First Thing
Here he is, Pete, with one arm spread out across his old glass-top desk, like he's taking a nap over boring homework. He did that a lot, but not this time because it's the middle of the summer and there is no homework, or school. Something smells bad. On the desk, I notice there is a shot needle mixed in with the pens, just being one of them like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Also there's a green notebook, with one word written large on the cover in black marker: WHOM. Everything else is normal except that Pete isn't going to wake up because he died.
"Pssst!" a voice makes me jump. Stephanie is outside the screen door. I stop patting Pete's head.
"Sherry!" she whispers. "What are you doing out here?"
It's very quiet. I don't mind, but Stephanie does. Quiet makes her nervous, so she plays the radio most of the time. I like Pete's new spikey hair with the blond tips. I bet a hedgehog feels just like this.
"Sherry!" Stephanie is still outside, waiting for me to do something. When I don't, she creaks open the door and comes in. She's wearing that pink sun dress that has the little straps and the white daisies, with ruffles on the pockets. I hope I get to wear that dress some day. I want a lot of my big sisters' clothes, but I usually get jeans and t-shirts.
Stephanie sees Pete.
"Oh, no, oh, no, this can't be happening," she puts her hands over her ears and starts moaning, which doesn't make any sense. She grabs my arm and tries to pull me out the door. I feel sorry for her, but I have purpose and don't want to go.
"We shouldn't be out here!" Stephanie whispers at me, like someone is going to put us in jail for looking at our brother. For a teenager, Stephanie isn't very brave.
We hear a siren getting loud, then tires crunching in the driveway. I used to love that crunching sound when a car drove into our driveway, the sound of car door open and slam, and the gate, the metal click. Men's voices. Any minute would be Dad and some uncle coming around the corner.
"Ma'am?" Not Dad's voice. Stephanie is acting like a scared cat who wants to hide. She is crushing my hand.
"Mrs. Conrad?" another man's voice. Two men. I see them through the window. Oh, the police. They look in, at us, while we're looking at them. They see Pete. The back door of our house swishes open.
"Dan?" another man's voice. It's Uncle Brad.
After Mom found Pete this morning, she came into the kitchen like a zombie and wouldn't answer Stephanie when Stephanie asked what was wrong. I started to get up from the table, but Mom screamed "No!" and scared me. Then she called Uncle Brad. He came right over and went to look at Pete, then he told us to stay in the house. He has been doing a lot of talking on the phone, taking care of things.
"Thank god you're here," Uncle Brad says to the cops. I don't know if I should call them cops, but Pete would. The men shake hands and Uncle Brad and the cops come into Pete's room. Everyone just stands there. I can tell that Stephanie and I are sort of in the way, but I'm used to that. Some people, like Mom, think I'm being rude when I stand there without saying anything, but I'm really just waiting.
"These are my nieces," Uncle Brad tells the cops, "Stephanie and Sherry Conrad." The cop who isn't Dan writes us down in his little notebook. Then the cops look at Uncle Brad.
"Let's go, girls," Uncle Brad says.
He holds the door open for us. Stephanie drops my hand and disappears fast, like she's glad to escape. I take one more look at my brother, at his room, at the cops. I notice that Pete's falcon statue isn't on the dresser. If I had a notebook, I would write down "What about the falcon?" But I don't.
"Sherry?" Uncle Brad's voice is soft. "Come on, honey. It's okay."
Being Okay
What is he talking about? Anybody can see it's not okay. Why do grownups say that? I thought about this later, and I decided that 'it's okay' means different things to kids than to grownups. Way different. Walking into the kitchen of our house is so far from okay that I have no words at all, which is pretty much how it goes for the rest of the day. The cops are out in Pete's room for a long time, so I decide to notice what the people in the kitchen are doing, if they are hiding anything, or faking. That could be a clue.
First there's Mom. Mrs. Conrad, with nothing to say. Her face looks pretty in the usual way, but she is different, like an actor who is all fixed up and ready to act, but instead is waiting and waiting and forgets to breathe.
Uncle Brad is in charge, gray suit, white shirt not so perfect, tie bunched up on the kitchen table. He reminds me of Dad, of course, because they are brothers. He talks more than Dad, and he's more concerned, and not as fat.
Stephanie is rocking in the corner, mascara on her cheeks. She is trying hard not to go hysteria like she does when that boy doesn't call, or when Mom tells her she doesn't get to do something with her friends.
Two aunts sit at the table, looking sideways at each other in that way grownups do when they know something that kids or dumb people don't understand. Aunt Raye pats Mom's hand and looks very sad. Aunt Jenna says how how fine everything is, or was, or will be. Church is like that too. I wish I had a word for it, but I am a child and must not say any kind of shit word.
I miss Pete. He would be in here interrupting and being funny, or mixing wine coolers. I probably won't get to taste any more wine coolers now.
Uh, oh. I start to feel dizzy when I realize that I'll be here alone, with Mom. Stephanie is always out out out, and Tina is so college faraway that I don't know if she remembers me at all. I wonder if I could have Pete's room. No, Sherry, Mom will say, you are too young to be in that room alone. Pete had to fight to get that room. It used to be for doing laundry, but one day he just lived there, not in the house. Where can I hide? Who will lie for me? These are my concerns, which are serious, and I forget about discovering clues.
"Looks like an overdose," cop Dan says into the phone. "Yep. Send the coroner's crew. They can do the crime scene now."
Crime
Mom's head pops up. "Crime scene?" she says in a confused way. "What?"
"Sure, bye," cop Dan hangs up the phone.
The other cop starts explaining that all overdoses are investigated as crimes and there were several similar situations recently in the vicinity and this situation has to be investigated even though perfectly accidental. He talks very fast and I think I made up some of it, even though Tina says I have extraordinary memorization.
"Do they think he was killed?" Mom asks in a strangled way. Aunt Raye is patting her again.
"It's just routine, Marcia," Uncle Brad says, "in drug situations." He sounds calm, and right. The cops are nodding.
"Drugs? What drugs?" Mom says. "Peter doesn't have drugs."
Now all the eyes in the room do that secret knowing thing, even mine. What is up with her? If an 8-year old can tell that a shot needle doesn't belong with the pens, why can't a mom? Some grownups are very scary.
"What are you talking about?!" Mom yells. She pushes Aunt Raye's hand away and tries to get up, but doesn't make it. Uncle Brad grabs her arm to keep her from falling. Suddenly everybody starts moving and talking, like some invisible switch got turned on. Stephanie can't stand it and starts to cry. People all talk at once so who knows who is saying what, especially with Stephanie wailing. I back into the hallway and sit on the floor, pushed out by all the words and feelings flying wild around the kitchen.
Just in time the back door flings open and everyone stops. I peek across the kitchen floor to see if I can recognize feet.
"Tina!" Stephanie screams. Her bare feet run across the floor and she throws herself at Tina. My heart thumps. Aunt Melanie comes in and stands behind with Tina's suitcase. Aunt Melanie always gets stuck picking up people from the train.
"Pete is dead!" Stephanie sobs and chokes, hanging on Tina. Wow, Stephanie cries even louder than I do. The aunts gather around Tina and Stephanie, saying some "there, there, girls." I stand up and sneak back into the room. I want to do what Stephanie did, but it's too late. After a while, Tina pries Stephanie off and looks around the kitchen until she sees Mom, but Mom is looking out the window. When Tina sees the cops she goes right over to them.
"Where's my brother?" she asks in this unusual voice. Sometimes Tina sounds like a computer, which can be helpful, like now, because it makes everybody listen instead of talk. The cops look at Uncle Brad.
"This is my other niece, Christina," Uncle Brad explains about Tina. Then he tells everyone who the cops are: "Detective Dan Foster and Sergeant Tony Ramirez."
Hey, maybe Sergeant Tony is Alberto's big brother. In grade school, we don't have much to brag about, but Alberto brags about his brother the policeman a lot. Tina shakes hands with them, acting like a grownup, which she does sometimes. Uncle Brad goes over to put his arm around Aunt Melanie so he can rest. Stephanie goes back to rocking.
"Oh, my god," Mom makes a huge sigh, and leans against the wall. Mom never even looks at Tina, but Tina looks at her, hard. Then Tina goes with Detective Dan and Sergeant Tony out to Pete's room, with me following low. Sometimes it's good to not be noticed.
Blah, Blah, Blah
Pete used to say 'blah, blah, blah' when there was a lot of talk that sounded boring. I do that too, only in my head. This happens especially with big words or serious things like Tina talking to the police. She still has her computer voice, but even I can tell that Tina doesn't know anything, and why would she because she doesn't live here any more.
I grab Pete's old red hacky sack off the desk.
"Please don't touch anything," Sergeant Tony says to me.
Tina pulls me over and does that sideways hug that somehow makes me feel better, even though I can tell she is annoyed, maybe with me. But we stick together anyway. I do thumb sucking with big eyes until Sergeant Tony looks away, then I slip the hacky into my back pocket. I also do hair twisting if I need grownups to leave me alone, but I didn't have to.
More, blah, blah, blah. Then we go back to the kitchen of hell.
I'm not good at figuring out what grownups mean when they aren't saying what they mean. Most of the people in the kitchen are looking like they want to cry or go to sleep, but Mom looks mad. I hear words but don't understand them. At school, I would put my head down on my desk and teacher would ask if I'm okay.
"We'll get that crew right over," Detective Dan says to everyone, like he's giving a speech.
Then Sergeant Tony goes to guard Pete's room and Detective Dan goes out the gate. Some more blah, blah, blah turns into Tina shouting at Mom "... will be a service!" and Mom knocking over her chair and yelling back "... there will NOT!" Then some "calm downs" and some "it'll be fines." I put my hands over my ears and missed the rest. I guess I took a nap.
Here's what I know:
- My brother Pete, age 16, died.
- It was probably drugs because of the needle and powder, or just the needle. I don't really get that part.
- Mom and Tina are mad at each other. I don't know if this has anything to do with Pete.
- Dad, age 40s, should be here, but he's not, so Uncle Brad has to do it.
- Mom and Dad are always mad at each other, but where is he?
- Uncle Brad, age 40s, is Dad's brother and also mayor of our town, which is important.
- Sherry (me), almost 9, really really loved Pete.
- Stephanie, age 14, is queen of the world and fights with everybody.
- Tina, age 19, is smart and is often nice to me. She lives at college.
- Sergeant Tony might be Alberto's brother.
Anyway, now I know what a memorial service is because I went to Pete's. It's sort of like church only with pictures of Pete on a bulletin board, so we can remember him. People got up and said nice things about Pete, including Tina, Pete's best friend Jeff, and the preacher from church. There was lots of crying, including me. Dad was there with his other wife, Marlene. She has bright orange hair. Marlene tries to be nice, so I am not mean to her like Tina and Stephanie are. There was jazz music even though I told them about the Zappa music that is Pete's favorite. I guess Zappa music is not good for a memorial service. I wonder what kind of music they would play if I died. I thought about that all through the talking. Oh, well. At least they didn't play church music, which my cousin Danny said was at their uncle's funeral. Pete would hate that.
After the memorial, we all went to Uncle Brad and Aunt Melanie's house. Aunt Melanie said "Come to the gathering." There was food and talking and alcohol which seemed like a party to me, except people were sad, so no music. The only ones who had any fun were me and my cousins. They always call us the little guys, even though I am a girl. We played hide and seek in the yard and tried not to go anywhere near the grownups. We also avoided the big cousins, which includes Stephanie and Tina. They were all in the TV room getting away from everyone, without Pete. Mom didn't come to the gathering, but Dad did, with Marlene. He talked to everybody and asked me if I was okay. I said 'yes' because that's what grownups hope, that you are fine. If they really want to know, they ask somewhere else, not in front of everyone. Dad only knew me for a few years, so he probably wouldn't care that much. Someone made Pete's favorite cupcakes, which are chocolate with peanut butter icing. Those are my favorite too. I ate a lot of them and got sick.
I still don't know what an autopsy is, but I know it isn't about autos, and it's gross. Or anyway, Stephanie says it's gross and how can Tina read it, but she does, over and over. When I tried to read the autopsy paper, I couldn't understand it, but I didn't ask. Some things you just know you shouldn't ask, for your own good.
What's Left
Mom got the Merry Maids to clean Pete's room, and now it's just us: me, Tina, Stephanie, and Mom. There are still big flower bouquets smelling up the house, and extra casseroles in the refrigerator.
Snowball and Tiger came back and are asleep on my bed. I hate it when the cats leave, but they always do when there's too much noise or upsetness. Then I have to go find them and bring them in through the window because Mom doesn't want animals in the house, even though that was Dad's rule and he's gone. Snowball and Tiger are my best friends.
I can hear Stephanie crying in her room sometimes. The rest of us got worn out and stopped.
Everyone has sleeping pills but me, so if I wake up in the night, I'm alone except for the cats. At least there's no one to tell me not to suck my thumb or don't sleep with the lights on. Sometimes I get in bed with Tina, even if she is sleeping hard and doesn't know I'm there. One night she sang the blackbird song, and we both cried because it was a song Pete played on his guitar.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night...'"
Tina told me that Mom used to sing the blackbird song when I was a baby, and also that Mom played the guitar. I don't remember that.
Tina is still here, which makes me feel better, but her suitcase is on the dresser and any day she might go back to college. I know I can't go with her.
Mom isn't mad now, or anything. I don't see her much. On Wednesday she made me breakfast and told me not to chew with my mouth open. I just did it to see if she would notice.
I went back to school before Stephanie did. I was right about Sergeant Tony being Alberto's brother. Sergeant Tony came to our class and taught us about drugs and not talking to strangers. Our school has Say No to Drugs week. Tina laughed when I showed her my t-shirt that says Drugs Free Zone. I didn't actually know why the t-shirt was funny, but I laughed anyway and it felt so good that we could hardly stop. But when I laughed at school, I had to go see Dr. Janice.
We had to write a report about drugs. I wrote that my brother Pete died of drugs. Alberto said I was stupid and you don't die of drugs. But Sergeant Tony said it was true, that you can die of drugs, but only certain ones. I don't know what drugs Pete died of.
I gave up on my mystery story. It turned out that there were way more things that I didn't know than things I did know. Not like Sherlock Holmes, where he knows more and more and then, snap, figures everything out. Maybe Pete's story wasn't really a mystery after all.
The police let me have Pete's notebook, the green one that says WHOM on the front. I used the black marker and added "I" at the end, so now it says WHOMI. It means who am I, but only Dr. Janice noticed. There wasn't anything written in the notebook, but now there are lots of words written by me, and some pictures I drew. Dr. Janice says I should write my dreams and worries, and also good things in the notebook, so I do and she reads it. I even wrote that I took Pete's falcon statue. Dr. Janice says it wasn't really stealing because Pete would be glad for me to have it. She's probably right, but I keep the it under my bed wrapped up in Pete's sweatshirt, just in case.
I spend a lot of time looking out my window. I watch the birds sitting on the telephone wires. No matter how much wind there is, the birds never fall off. It reminds me of that song about "when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall," but the bough doesn't break, and the cradle never falls, and the birds just stay up there swinging in the wind.
If Sherry was a bird, she could sit up on that wire all day, with no worries. Or even if she had worries, no one would know because birds don't bother with worrying. Then Sherry would be one of the birds, and no one would know, except maybe the cats. That sounds really nice.
I don't think we should tell Dr. Janice.
